Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
