explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
