I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
