i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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