I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
