im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
