he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
