he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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