I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
