my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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