Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I cannot find my penis.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
