Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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