i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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