I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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