Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
