My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
