My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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