So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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