I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
