and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
