Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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