Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
