Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
