Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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