I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
