my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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