Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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