I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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