I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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