Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
