is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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