I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
