Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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