Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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