I think I died a long time ago.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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