You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
