mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
