Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
