Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
