My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
