You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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