if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
