my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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