she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
