you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
