Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
