i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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