I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
