Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
