I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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