Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
