everyone is single if you try hard enough
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
