At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
